The official Hitchcock Blogs guide to the 2014 election
Other media outlets get to do it, so now it’s our turn to start endorsing some candidates.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, to the official Hitchcock Blogs guide to the 2014 election. This year, I have decided to use my sizable influence as a well-read journalist to cloud your judgement before you vote tomorrow.
Remember that any positions and/or candidates endorsed in this guide are supported by the entire staff here at Hitchcock Blogs, whether they know it or not.
Also, since this is not a national election year, your ballot may differ from the one presented below. If that is the case, it just means that you live in a place that I don’t care about.
Let’s get started.
MAINE QUESTION 1:
Do you want to ban the use of bait, dogs or traps in bear hunting except to protect property, public safety, or for research?
Now, at first, this seems like an easy one. I’m not the kind of person who likes to dictate how other people use their traps. But if you read carefully, you’ll notice the one word that completely flips this question around for me.
I support bears wholeheartedly and I’m not about to let a bunch of nerds over at the Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife take them away from me.
Official endorsement: Yes on 1.
MAINE QUESTION 2:
Do you favor an $8,000,000 bond issue to support Maine agriculture, facilitate economic growth in natural resources-based industries and monitor human health threats related to ticks, mosquitoes and bedbugs through the creation of an animal and plant disease and insect control laboratory administered by the University of Maine Cooperative Extension Service?
Oh sweet, a bond issue. This is super duper exciting and makes for great blog-worthy content.
Bond issues are rarely, if ever, voted down in Maine, so this seems like a lock. Besides, ticks and mosquitoes are terrible.
Official endorsement: Yes on 2.
MAINE QUESTION 3:
Do you favor a bond issue to provide $4,000,000 in funds to insure portions of loans to small businesses to spur investment and innovation and to provide $8,000,000 in funds to make flexible loans to small businesses to create jobs, revitalize downtowns and strengthen the rural economy?
Ah, small businesses. Everybody loves a small business.
And who knows, I may end up needing to start my own small business once the pendulum of debt starts swinging even lower.
Two of my friends want to start a business where women in swimsuits sell hot dogs on the beach. I want to undercut other places’ drink prices and sell advertising space inside my store.
Anything that helps “Bikini Weenies” and “We Have The Cheapest Drinks In Town Because We Generate Ad Revenue” take off is a good bet.
Official endorsement: Yes on 3.
MAINE QUESTION 4:
Do you favor a $10,000,000 bond issue, to be awarded through a competitive process and to be matched by $11,000,000 in private and other funds, to build a research center and to discover genetic solutions for cancer and the diseases of aging, to promote job growth and private sector investment in this State, to attract and retain young professionals and make the State a global leader in genomic medicine?
Sure, man. Cancer and aging are the worst.
Official endorsement: Yes on 4.
MAINE QUESTION 5:
Do you favor a $3,000,000 bond issue, to be awarded through a competitive process and to be matched by $5,700,000 in private and public funds, to modernize and expand infrastructure in a biological laboratory specializing in tissue repair and regeneration located in the State in order to increase biotechnology workforce training, retain and recruit to the State multiple biomedical research and development groups and create a drug discovery and development facility that will improve human health and stimulate biotechnology job growth and economic activity?
Tissue regeneration? Like people will be able to regrow limbs?
Cool, I’m in. Let’s make some lizard people.
Official endorsement: Yes on 5.
MAINE QUESTION 6:
Do you favor a $10,000,000 bond issue to ensure clean water and safe communities across Maine; to protect drinking water sources; to restore wetlands; to create jobs and vital public infrastructure; and to strengthen the State’s long-term economic base and competitive advantage?
As an avid water drinker, I would like to make sure that that water stays clean. Our water is one of the biggest things that separates Maine from third-world countries like Nebraska. Nebraska water is gross.
Official endorsement: Yes on 6.
MAINE QUESTION 7:
Do you favor a $7,000,000 bond issue to facilitate the growth of marine businesses and commercial enterprises that create jobs and improve the sustainability of the State’s marine economy and related industries through capital investments, to be matched by at least $7,000,000 in private and other funds?
Finally, the last bond issue.
Whatever, I didn’t even read it.
Official endorsement: Yes on 7.
Susan Collins v. Shenna Bellows
Now we get into the good stuff.
Despite being an incredibly tiny person (I met her once in the Maine Mall), Susan Collins does a remarkable job in the U.S. Senate. Everyone knows she is a lock to be reelected, even the Democrats.
I mean c’mon, there’s no way someone named a real person Shenna. That name is dumber than Collins’ accent.
Official endorsement: Susan Collins.
Chellie Pingree v. Issac Misiuk v. Richard Murphy
This race has received little to no coverage. Pingree is pretty awful, but the people she is running against are complete enigmas.
You know what? Don’t vote for any of them.
Official endorsement: Matthew Bourgault
Paul LePage v. Eliot Cutler v. Lee Schultheis v. Mike Michaud
While that Lee guy is not technically still in the race, I like the cut of his jib. Ranked choice voting is a cool idea, and really speaks to how much people hated the fact that LePage won four years ago.
But here we have the same scenario. Eliot Cutler may very well play spoiler and get LePage elected to another term.
It doesn’t help that Michaud and Cutler are the exact same person, both politically and in how boring they are. At least LePage’s stupid outbursts provide some excitement in my life.
That’s all I really ask for in my politicians.
Official endorsement: Paul LePage.
Linda Valentino v. Michael Coleman
I don’t know, man. Who are these people?
Official Endorsement: Matthew Bourgault.
George Hogan v. Sharri MacDonald
I mean, for real, it’s not like I have anything better to do.
Official Endorsement: Matthew Bourgault.