26
Sep 2014
Matt Bourgault

Film Friday: The Boxtroll Equalizer

Matt returns to give his thoughts on this weekend’s releases.

equalizer-boxtrolls-box-office

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the most inconsistent movie review series on the internet!

It’s Friday (for now) and that means it’s time to look at the movies coming out this weekend. As always, I don’t have the money to actually go to the movies, so these ratings will be based entirely off of the trailers.

THE EQUALIZER

Oh man, this movie. I have way too many mixed feelings about this.

First of all, and I think this is fairy obvious, having Denzel in your movie is a lot better than not having Denzel in your movie. The man just oozes charisma, which is probably the best thing a human being can ooze in public.

I’m also a huge fan of Antoine Fuqua. Aside from his fantastic name, Fuqua has a true talent for action direction. He turned Olympus Has Fallen into a decent (if not hilarious) movie despite the ridiculous premise.

The reunion of these two Training Day alumni should have me sprinting to the the theater. Unfortunately, there is something beyond my hatred of sprinting keeping e from doing just that.

This trailer has a lot of red flags.

For starters, it’s just “generic action movie starring middle-aged actor you like.” Liam Neeson has had a career resurgence doing these exact same movies. The problem when your only selling point is “Denzel is a badass” is that we all know where your movie’s aspirations are. It will be decent, no better, no worse. This is the type of movie you take your dad to. Your dad likes every movie.

Also, the trailer has someone say “This goes all the way to the top,” which made me giggle.

Bottom line, without Ethan Hawke, I don’t see this as the type of movie Lil’ Scrappy would pay homage to in a music video.

2.75/5.

THE BOXTROLLS

What?

Are boxtrolls a thing? I’m too lazy to check Wikipedia. I’m sure some whippersnapper will let me know that boxtrolls are not only real, but also hot in these streets. Kids are dumb.

My only assumption is that some animator went to the studio like, “I’m not okay with torsos, man. They weird me out.” Either that or it was a cost-cutting measure. Maybe torsos are expensive. I’ll have to ask some kids if torsos are hot in these streets.

Anyway, this movie is by the people who did Coraline and Paranorman, so I’m sure it will be a delightful little family movie that I will never see, but I’ll still tell people I heard it was good.

3.15/5.