Jan 2014
Matt Bourgault

I spent today yelling at an iPad

Matt struggles to set up his new iPad.

So I got an iPad mini today on loan as a part of the sportswriting class I’m taking. I usually avoid Apple products like the plague, but I’m not exactly going to refuse a free tablet for the next few months.

I tried to put my anti-Apple prejudice aside and enjoy the product. I’ve never owned or thought  I had use for a tablet before, but everyone I know who owns one sings their praises. And I’ll admit that I got really into it a first. It combined the speed and convenience of a phone with the power of a (somewhat limited) computer. I quickly conjured plenty of scenarios where my new iPad would be useful. You can never have too many screens.

While I was riding this new technology high, I named the iPad mini “iPad” (I like to keep things informal), and set up The Wire as my wallpaper as a tribute to Billy. Things were going well.

The following is a transcript of what happened next:

Me: Alright iPad, I’m going to need to download some apps so you can be more than just another web browser.

iPad: Sounds good, I’m going to need your Apple ID.

Me: Okay I think it’s this.

iPad: That password has expired, please reset your password.

Me: Fair enough, can I change it to this?

iPad: Your can’t use the same password within a year of itself.

Me: What about this?

iPad: You need a number in your password.

Me: Fine does this work?

iPad: That works, we’ll send you a confirmation email in about 10 minutes.

[10 minutes pass]

Me: Okay, can I download this app now?

iPad: Please enter your Apple ID password.

Me: There.

iPad: Please enter your billing information.

Me: The app is free.

iPad: Please enter your billing information.

Me: Okay, it’s entered.

iPad: This app requires the latest version of iOS, would you like to update?

Me: Fine.

iPad: Cool! Plug me into an outlet and wait about a half hour.

[30 minutes later]

iPad: Welcome to iOS 7! Isn’t it pretty sweet?

Me: It’s whatever. Can I download an app now?

iPad: Please enter your Apple ID and password.

Me: Okay, am I done?

iPad: Password incorrect.

Me: No it’s not.

iPad: Password incorrect. Would you like to reset your password?

Me: Fine, one last time!

iPad: Password incorrect.

Me: That’s it you’re going back into my backpack.

iPad: You are welcome, Human.

I hate you, Apple.